SEARCHING FOR SEOUL 5
“I really want to give you any good news but it is not easy.”
I will my eyes to travel so I may read the rest of the message but they are buoys, pressed down but bobbing up despite my efforts.
He knows about me.
He doesn’t want to meet me.
No one knows what happened to him.
Fear is pushing me around in circles and I don’t want to stop and see what this “not easy” news could be.
“Babe? Read it.” My husband’s voice is quiet and a little worried. He’s driving and I’m scrolling through the emails I might have missed since the last time I checked. The initial hope I’d felt at seeing the familiar Korean characters in my inbox is squelched by Sister Theresa’s opening line. I really want to give you any good news but it is not easy.
I plunge ahead like someone who’s paid a lot of money to jump out of an airplane with a parachute. I’m committed. The nonchalance I think I feel is betrayed by the quiver in my voice, the tears in my eyes as I continue to read.
“Actually, I am sure that your father lives in ********, Korea…I saw his photos. I have tried to contact him so many times. I gave my number to him through his close friend. I heard that your birthfather had already heard about you and your siblings from his acquaintance who lives in the US.”
I saw his photos.
I have tried to contact him so many times.
I heard your birthfather already heard about you and your siblings…
And the response my heart beats out is this:
He knows about you and your siblings but he doesn’t want anything to do with you.
Maybe if you were more beautiful he’d want to meet you.
Maybe if you were more successful he’d want you in his life.
I’m filled with sadness as I face the lie I’ve told myself for all these years. As soon as your dad knows you’re ready to find him, he’ll be found. He’ll fly you to Korea and he’ll explain everything. Because the truth is, I know where he is and he knows where I am, but he wants to stay lost.